“All human life has its seasons, and no one’s personal chaos can be permanent: winter, after all does not last forever does it? There is summer, too, and spring, and though sometimes when branches stay dark and the earth cracks with ice, one thinks they will never come, that spring, that summer, but they do, and always." T.Capote
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The Homicide Diet
When you've tried everything, and nothing has worked, this diet is 95% guaranteed. However, there is no money-back guarantee because the diet is totally FREE to any unsuspecting co-victim! Any family member may start this diet at any time. The ideal time would be just before bathing suit season (March is a good month, as the photos of rail-thin models in bikinis are just beginning to grace the pages of fashion magazines.) If you follow the diet religiously (if you still have any religion to believe in) by June, you can lose a good 20+ pounds. Keep in mind that results may vary from person to person due to grieving and mourning differences. It must be stressed that this is a no fad diet. Given the number of people killed every day, it looks like this diet is here to stay! Actually, the Homicide Diet has been around for awhile (longer than we like to think), but has never been recognized as an official weight-loss program. Along with all the other needed changes and additions to various laws, with your help, maybe this diet can become official in the near future.
Here are some suggested guidelines (and remember everyone is different, so don't feel that you must follow them exactly or that the sequence will be the same for everyone):
1. When taking anti-depressants, sleeping pills and tranquilizers in order to survive each day, your appetite - if you even have one - will probably be non-existent. Although, it isn't necessary to take drugs to lose your desire to eat. It just happens naturally (lucky you!). You will also have no energy to eat, as it will take everything you have inside just to make it from moment to moment.
2. If you do happen to have even a fleeting feeling of hunger, it probably won't last. This is good, as any food put in front of you will most likely make you want to vomit. Of course, if you do actually vomit, this is even better, as then there are no added calories to worry about.
3. If you do manage to eat a few bites, don't worry that you've gone off your diet and punish yourself needlessly. You've been punished enough. Those three or four bites will last at least a week. This also helps by taking the difficulty out of determining correct portion size. (No weighing of food on that ridiculous scale is involved.)
4. Not to worry, because by the time you decide to eat again (don't fret about how much time has gone by, because you won't be able to figure it out, and you certainly don't need one more thing to agonize over!) steps two and three will happen all over again.
5. This diet is so easy, due to the fact that you may be in a rather zombie-like state for quite awhile, reliving the above steps repeatedly. But, don't panic, this non-functional, almost-catatonic-state is quite normal, even though you think you've lost your mind. Just remember...it's not your mind you've lost, just your child, father, mother, sister, brother, wife, husband, aunt, uncle or whomever it was that was murdered. But, of course, you can console yourself with the fact that, yes, you've lost a beloved family member, but you are also losing weight! And, after all, isn't that the goal.
6. This diet is much easier than following a protein diet, a carbohydrate diet, a sugar busters diet, etc., as some days - if you have the strength to open the box and you can remember where it is - you may only eat 3 or 4 malted milk balls for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Refer to steps 2 and 3 again.) The diet requires no mixing of anything (which is good, since you have no energy or desire to turn on the cuisinart) or looking at charts to figure out the difference between a protein and a carbohydrate.
7. Stomach aches and constipation may present problems, but again, don't panic, every part of your body has shut down, so why not your stomach and intestines, too! It just adds to your lack of desire to eat, which is a basic theory of this diet. This can be a problem, however, as a bloated belly tends to make you look like you've gained weight, when you really haven't. Keep in mind that you're right on track, and don't give up. (This advice also pertains to when you feel like you don't want to live another moment and are seriously considering killing yourself.) I promise you that the weight will fall off!
8. As your diet progresses, your wardrobe can be either a problem or not, depending on how you look at it. Remember...attitude is everything! When people look at you and ask if your belt is too big - "My God! It could go around you twice!" - it may be quite flattering and reassuring to know you are meeting your objectives. Or, you face the possibility of declaring bankruptcy because you've spent so much money on a new wardrobe because nothing fits. This also could cause overcrowded closets. You may have to make a decision (hopefully not) as to whether or not to give away your old clothes. Of course, this is hard to do, as you never know if you'll ever be back to your pre-homicide weight and should save them. And, debtor's prison could be quite attractive. What else could possibly happen to you any more horrible? Additionally, if your murdered loved-one's clothes, shoes and other doo-dads have been sent back to you, there is always the dilemma as to where to store them. If you're like me, you've made room in a closet in the spare bedroom for all those things. This further complicates the situation. But again, by moving everything around constantly, you may even lose more weight. You're that much closer to your goal! See what I mean about attitude?!
9. When, and if, you manage to go out to dinner with friends after awhile, there may be considerable guilt on their part. This happens because you are sitting with a salad in front of you, only eating a few bites, if that. They have just finished a four-course dinner. They feel guilty (and maybe a little envious) because you're not eating, and they have just pigged-out. They are also trying to cheer you up, which is a fruitless effort. They may also feel very fat and concerned that they have gone off their diet, which is, of course, totally inferior to yours. The way around this issue is to remind them why you started dieting in the first place. Hopefully, that will work and not cause more guilt on their part! But, then again, that rather disturbing revelation may contribute further to their guilt, and they really won't know what to do or say.
10. Again, remember that results may vary from person to person. Some mourners may actually gain weight. As the shock of trying desperately to cope with the murder of a loved one begins to wear off and the reality starts to set in, food may be the only thing that provides an inkling of comfort. Of course, if this happens, go for it! Moments (or seconds) of comfort (if you are lucky enough to have any) are usually not maintained for very long.